Wednesday, January 18, 2012


this week, eh..
my life wasnt really okay,
im not in the mood for anything, seriously..anything...but of course on top of that, Im not in the mood of continuing my study, I felt like quitting in the middle of everything, I wonder why the hell I started this..
Im wondering if my choice is ever  the most wrongest idea at the first place, its hard to get rid from those rubbish thinking, I thought maybe, I should just follow my dream..which is nothing at all similar to my course. This course need me to be so... I dont know how to say, I loves it, but it just doesnt suit me. I dont like talking to new people, I dont know how to react to something that is totally out of my mind, it just hard. let just say, I don't like meeting people. My old days, I think I talks more to the computer, human mind are complex, much complex than the ever exist programmed in the whole universe.
    so, just to make the story of the weeks shorter.

one day, I felt very depressed because of this one thing.I tried my best to not to think about it at all, I am just so afraid. but of course i cant,
i do think of it..alot.
so i decided to ask my sister's advice.
but it turned out completely different, instead of asking only for advice,, for God sake, I wonder why the heck tears came running out at the middle of things like this, I cant even control it..

you know, when we lost the control, the mind cant work very well..and we're starting to put the blame on people.   when we did not find people to blame on, we started to blame ourselves, and this time..its hurt..very much...
at least mine is like that..
my sister said a lot of thing, the word of encouragement, she told me  and said its okay.,its okay. telling me stories of home, tell me how she see I am nothing at all like what I thought I am at that moments. I laughed.. I laughed thinking of that moments when i'm with my cousin..with my brother.. with the kids especially.
hee, lets just stop here, I dont want to cry while writing becoz i am now thinking of it..

the advices, doesnt really make me okay.. i just need to stabilize myself again, but i dont know what to do, i walked, i left my friends, we are at the middle of lunch actually,   [i dont know where im walking to] its raining  that times, but not so heavy..
i decided to just go home, i took bath, and go to library.[ library is so comforting!]

i think im okay..
but im wrong as when my father called me, [guess he heard this from my sister,,cehh]
the conversation doesnt last long, its not okay ..
he try to make me comfort, telling me everything is okay and I just need to go through only another 2 semesters, do the best and im out. im out..

i knew im not okay..

it took 2 days of my life to be okay. [not long. noted that]
I dont want to think negatively anymore,
let just...go through of everything.

 right now, im still charging myself, waiting to be fully charged and i realized that i might again lost the power. but I know that, with the help of family, i can go through..

Thanks to Allah given me such a family. :)

Noted : 2:216.., 2:286., 6:17.. , 57:22-23..,13:11, 2:45, 12:87
noted 2:  realizing that whatever that had happened was not going according to my plan at all make me sad, but knowing that it goes smoothly and perfectly according to HIS planned does comfort me,
noted 3:  takut,  risau,  tak selesa, tapi bila letakkan 100 peratus tawakkal pada Allah yang apa-apa yang berlaku, itu adalah dalam aturan dia, its not really thatt disappointing.. looking back, HE is really fair :)  13:11

 p/s: angah [adik angkat masa program koko , darjah 4 sekarang,, ] called me just now. eh, its been a long time since i last having contact with that family.,, :)



uhibbunur~ said...


walau akak tahu, akak x dpt rasai bagaimana berat beban yg sedang dipikul,
but akak yakin kita punya Allah yang Maha Kuat utk kita bergantung

periit tu mmg kdgkala buat kita rasa sampai- no one memahami. sbbny kita punya Allah yang amaaat memahami rasa perit tu..

bertahan sis!
kuatkan hati.
tarbiyah sedang berjalan..Allah yuqawwiy

p/s: err,ini bukan advice, just tiup doa & semangat dari jauh ;)
may HE love u alwayz

Captain Hero said...

for Allah wont leave me alone..